hello everyone...
I have come to terms with the fact it would be so much easier for me to blog on tumblr.
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thisisreallife00

Just an update

I want to apologise for how irregular I post. 

There has been a lot going on recently, both to do with myself and life in general. 

For example, I am back at school! which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I really enjoy school, I enjoy the studying and the talking and keeping busy but it has been so stressful to be back. 

Another thing that has been going on is that I am already studying (I'm actually taking a break right now to write this and post on Instagram, of course) 

But I am stressing myself out even more by worrying about what people think of me, I worry about what my friends, boyfriend, teachers, family, strangers and even my friend's families think of me. I know I can never please everyone and that instead of trying to do so I should just be myself because I will need to live with myself for the rest of my life, but knowing that doesn't help. 

On a positive note I have received a letter notifying me I am getting an award tomorrow, which is supposed to be good but in a sense, it weirds me out. The award is for "... the positive contribution you made during the college during term 2 of this year" I don't deserve this. Last term I had (on average) 4 anxiety attacks a week. I felt like a waste of space because I would need to get removed from the classroom and it sucks so I think this award is a pity award but I am trying to be positive. 

Thank you once again and Goodnight. 

Where I am now... 

I am currently 15 years of age (soon to be 16) and I am also in grade ten. Grade ten here in Australia is pretty much the year where you get your life sorted, you pick your senior subjects and aim for which uni you will go to where you will study more so you can eventually become what you want to be to make all of this even more stressful we have a thing called work experience. so on top of your regular studying and freaking out about the future yet trying to have a normal teenage life you need to arrange a place you can go and work at for a week and you don't get paid.

When I was in grade three 15 was the age I was going to have my life sorted out, I was going to have a group of friends and we would always hang out, of course, I would have had a boyfriend who I would always be with and he would be perfect, I was going to getting an average of B's, I would have a job, be close to my family and of course at least know what I would do with my life and know the path I would need to take to get there.

Now that I am 15 I don't really have that and I feel as if I'm not really good enough (which is obviously stupid) the thing is that plan probably wasn't overly far fetched. I could have that, I know that because at some stage throughout my life I have had that or I do have that.
1. I used to have two friends and we hung out probably at least once a week BUT the three of us aren't as close anymore NOW I only really have one close friend that I hang out with a lot but I prefer having just our friendship instead of the group I had previously (even though the other girl is lovely). I also have an internet friend and a friend I have had since grade three who I still talk to from time to time but I wish I could speak to them more, I also have friends in grade seven and people from of all different ages that I talk to (including adults).
2. I do have a boyfriend. I don't really get to spend much time actually with him, he has a job and school and other commitments and if we are going to be honest, awful internet. I don't get to sit with him at school with his friends or go on dates with him (because of my crippling anxiety that hates anything new) and he isn't perfect because there is no such thing as perfect. BUT I have a boyfriend whom I love and I tell everything to him, he helps me grow and the time we do get to hang out is wonderful. He makes me happy which is sometimes hard to do.
3. I do not get an average of Bs. Do I remain to be disappointed in this fact... OF COURSE, it's one of my leading reasons as to why I suffer from anxiety. The reason I want an average of B's is so I can do headstart, I really want to do headstart because as you might be able to tell by now, I like to have my life sorted and headstart would seem to help. In some subjects I do well in, yes but the other subjects drag my average down and they are subjects I won't even be doing next year BUT I'm working on it, I'm chasing my dream.
4. I used to have a job. One day my depression and anxiety were really bad and my mother called my boss and notified him and then the decision came that I would return to work when I was ready... that was probably a year ago and he has sold the business now BUT I will always have the memories of working there and I worked with some terrific human beings who I really miss.
5. my family is a family. We have our problems and I have some good things about us. are we close, no BUT I do know they all love me and I love them.
6. I know what I want to do with my life, I want to be a secondary English and history teacher. I can see the path I have to take but I'm very tired from my long walk to where I am now BUT a lot of people have my back and I'm sure they will be fine to help me get there.

So in conclusion of this blog post I want you to know that it doesn't matter if things aren't what you imagined they would be because if it was the way you imagined it, it wouldn't be as fun...

Goodnight

Just a rant...

Sometimes I fall into these pits of Depression and I think that might be happening again.
I want someone to catch me.
I want to be strong enough to pull myself up.
I don't think I can, though.
And sometimes I don't think anybody wants to pull me up.
I don't think they necessarily want me to suffer but I feel like I'm a waste of space.
I feel like I'm disposable, maybe I'm not supposed to be around for a long time.
Maybe Gods plan for me is to die young.
All my thoughts are going dark.
I need something but I don't know what.
Sorry.

What to do on the holidays... 

At the moment I am in the middle of my three-week long break from school. This means needing to fill in my time, usually, I would spend at least half of it socializing but as the two most important people out of my social life are out of town I have been needing to find other ways to fill my time. 

1. start a project

Whether that's starting a blog, creating someone a cool birthday present or doing over your bedroom, something to keep you creative is brilliant. 

example: I began a birthday present for somebody that I know. its a list of all the reasons life is worth living in the style type of a scrapbook.  

2. reading 

I recently read all the bright places by Jennifer Niven and it is an extremely well-written book. 

Other books I recommend are: The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and We Were Liars  by E. Lockheart

3. Binge watching a Tv show or series of movies

by far one of the main things I do on holidays is challenge myself to watch a Tv show in a certain amount of time, some people run marathons, I watch them. 

I watched all of How I met your mother (again) and I began watching Spongebob Square Pants, right from the beginning. 

Other binge watching material: Friends, Doctor Who or Harry Potter 

About Me...

For the past week or so I have been stressing about meeting my boyfriends family. I have technically met them before and even had small conversations with them but something about going to his house and actually seeing them scares me. 

I have been playing situations over and over again in my head, stressing over pretty much every slight detail when it hasn't even happened yet. I imagine getting asked about myself and I honestly don't even know how to answer that question, who am I? 

-I'm a poetic mess

-I have regular anxiety attacks thanks to crippling self-doubt

-I randomly break out into song

-I love hugs and it doesn't really matter who from 

-I hold grudges way too easily 

-I am honest 

-I'm a pushover 

-I make a mean cup of milo 

-I got kept back in grade two 

-I want to teach secondary advanced English and modern History when I am older 

-^^They are also my favourite subjects, including Biology

-I enjoy talking to teachers outside of class

-I like books and I think I accidentally began collecting them 

-I don't really have a category which annoys me because I don't know how to introduce myself

So those are some things about me. 

That's all well and good but I can't think of anything about myself that will make His family or anybody like me. I want them to like me and I doubt the fact that "I randomly break out into song" will make them feel as if I'm the girl for their son. 

I know I shouldn't be thinking about myself in such a negative way or even be analysing a situation that hasn't occurred yet. 

Just wanted to get something off my chest and let you know something about me. 

Also, this is me...

My first post

This is my first post on this blog.

I have been wanting to write a blog for a while but I haven't, until now. Therefore I thought it is only fair that for my first post I share with you, the reasons why I wanted to start this blog. 

Reason One:

This world is filled with people who share similar thoughts, yet at the same time all those thoughts are painfully unique and we get singled out and judged when it is known that we have them. 

I wanted a safe place where I can share my similar yet strangely unique thoughts, whether they are read or not, at least they are taken out of my mind and into the world. 

Reason Two:

I thoroughly enjoy writing, I'm not particularly good at it but I enjoy it. 

Reason Three: 

I needed something to pour my heart into. 

Reason Four:

There are only two people that are involved in my social life outside of school and one of them is on a three-week road trip around Australia and the other one is on a week-long camping trip. 

I did slightly wish my first blog post would be a lot more thrilling than this but, I'm not a thrilling human. 

Goodnight